I am growing up...much older than I was when Barbie Jeeps and Baby Bottle Pops were a must-have. My goal is to go to a different college (those of you who know what's going on know which one I am talking about, but for the sake of online safety, I will not disclose it's location.) My goal is to live somewhere else for now (and you know where), so that I may save up enough money so that I can afford to go to school there. Is anyone planning on paying for my housing while I go to school there? Those people who are now judging me, starting rumours, elaborating and steering from the truth...do they plan on paying my rent when I go off to this college? Most likely not- as I have been paying my own housing for the last year + now.Unfortunately, in order for me to get my degree and to get accepted in to the Dental Hygiene program, I will be taking 20+ credits A TERM. In order to get accepted into the program, you must be full-time, committed and determined. I am done feeling guilty. There is no guilt left in me. I have decided that I need to do what is best for my future and my current conditions. There is no where else for me to go. I will not continue to live in a place that sucks if not all, most of my full-time paycheck...when I am only there long enough to sleep in the place. I am sorry for the people (Grandma and Grandpa especially) who are forced to hear the wrong side of the story- and for thinking I am moving there for all the wrong reasons. I am going by what I need to do...and someday, when the lies are done being told, and the stories and rumors that are floating about have left the table (like the Telephone Game), and I finally have my degree, those of you who feel I am making a bad choice will then be proud of me. You have always been proud of me, and there is no reason to stop now. There is nothing wrong with my decision. There are people (and most of you know who) who are telling stories and blowing things out of proportion. Jealously is clearly an issue- there's no denying that- and we all know it. I have lived my life as a God fearing person, and I will continue to do so. There have been complaints of me not seeing certain people on a regular basis or spending time with those certain people- but the reality of it all is- over 80% of my graduating class have moved away to go to bigger and better colleges that I could not afford. Their families are LUCKY to get to see them on Christmas and Spring break- alone. Even then- a phone conversation is a rarity.
If everyone cared about my life as much as they care about this extremely stupid and ridiculous situation that has recently come up- you all would know that I am busy, even now, working full-time and trying to do homework, studying, and preparing for exams- by making a scene out of a nothing scenario only puts more pressure and stress on me...much more than anyone my age should handle. If you want me to be successful, you'll let it go. I will not pass this term if I cannot focus on my schooling- and money will be wasted- and I do not want that. We all know, when we stop and think about it, I have no where else I could go...realistically. The option arose-and I took it. I want to save money so that I can better myself and go to college! I want to do that more than anything- why can't people understand? Oh there is just so much I could say to back myself up it's almost annoying.
I played out the pro's and con's- and I have made my decision, and it is this: I am moving; I am going through with it. I have prayed about it and I feel this is the best decision for me to make. If it were wrong, God would have stopped me dead in my tracks- and at this point- the gate is wide open and welcoming. I am moving to where I can financially afford to save up the money I need to go to school. Unless someone steps up to the plate and offers to pay all of my college fees (since they will be quadruple what they are now), and living fees, I will silence myself. However, as I get older, I want to do more and more on my own- and that way it shall stay. I want to do it on my own for the sake of saying I did it on my own when this is all over with. No one, or no one thing will make me change my mind otherwise. I am tired of living my life in fear of what someone will say or do...or fear of failing certain people. I am a good person, and I always have been. My morals and values have brought me this far- and they're not about to disappear. For the record, I am not Peter Pan. Unfortunately (but fortunately for me), I have to grow up. I have been out of my parent's house for over a year now. It was good timing when I did, because everyone knows I was not happy and was constantly struggling for freedom.
I am an adult now (and legally have been for some time), and from here on out I will only get older. And another thing- since nobody knows- I will be paying rent there, too. ...Only FAR less than what I am now. I am tired of seeing all of my hard-earned money go into nothing. All of it. Living paycheck to paycheck is a joke. I have tried it all. I have tried getting a roommate- I've even gone so far as to ask people who I haven't seen or talked to since kindergarten, or people I have met once or twice- because I was that desperate to get approval from my family. I am done trying to please anybody and everybody. So it is time for me to do what I need to do. There is nothing more to say. I will not be changing my mind, because it would only mean my future is at stake. And until the day comes when the people who resent me for it now realize this, I have nothing more to say to anyone. Holding a grudge will not hurt anyone but you.
Thanks for reading.
~H3
*Today, most of all, I am thankful for: A loving and caring God who sees me for what and who I am, and gives grace in all things- who shows me that there is more to life than trying to live up to other people's standards- who gives me strength and courage day in and day out- who has opened my eyes to a future that is bright, plentiful and blessed- who has given me friends who are understanding and God fearing-who has give me the opportunity to walk in other peoples shoes and to see things the way others see them- but most of all- who has given me the ability to
forgive and forget.
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